Nunn the Wiser

Snip snip.

I sent my husband a text message today, one that I think should receive some kind of award, saying simply “I signed consent forms to be sterilized today, hope you don’t mind.”

Trying for a third was always on my mind after Henry, and it led me through massive research binges on surrogacy, blood disorders, and adoption. I always wanted a third and final child… not permission to keep growing my family endlessly. Then once I got pregnant with George, I wondered if that would change. If I was lucky enough to have a healthy pregnancy, would I want to keep going?

No, no, and no. And no. With some NO on top.

The torture some of us go through to build a family is nonsensical. We should be able to “just” adopt. Or “just” be happy with what we have. Or “just” give up. But we don’t, because we are driven by unseen forces that are as strong as evolution, as inexplicable as faith. There is no switch to turn off some women’s desire for family building.

I’ve learned, however, that some of us are lucky enough to reach the point where that switch turns off on its own. It is heartbreaking to try to squish the desire for children out of you, and it is heartbreaking to never have the privilege of feeling like your family is complete, of never feeling that switch turn off.

I am a lucky, lucky girl. Because I do have that privilege finally. A privilege I never thought I’d have. The privilege of completion.

If the worst happens, and George dies, then I can’t say what I’d do. But I can say what I wouldn’t do… and that is get pregnant again. Perhaps we’d follow through with our adoption route. Perhaps we’d stop. I don’t know.  But what I DO know is that my body is done, and it is SO done that it has had a little sit down with my brain and my heart and they’ve all come to a mutual agreement. That the factory is closing down.

I am 34 weeks pregnant with George right now, which is the exact point when Henry was born. I am feeling monumentally healthier. I have no signs of preeclampsia or placental abruption like last time, I look healthier and feel healthier, and I am infinitely less stressed out. We scheduled a c-section today for 38 weeks, and I’ve been letting real, pure, honest hope seep into myself  that This Might Just Be Okay. And wouldn’t it be nice to end on a high note? Wouldn’t I think myself the luckiest girl in the world? And isn’t that a funny thing to be thinking now… when it is SO easy for me to remember having lost 3 babies in the course of 11 months and thinking I’d never, ever, EVER have the family I wanted?

I’ve talked to my husband about this of course, but I signed the forms on my own today. And instead of sadness, I felt relief. We began trying for our first child on July 5, 2003. George will be born on July 6, 2010. Seven years of family building… of trauma and crisis and blood and surgery and loss and grief and love and sleeplessness and joy and pain …. seven years is a long time. And much like the conviction I had when I knew I wanted babies,  I’m now enjoying the conviction I feel in knowing this part is done.

I know I’ll be sad, especially when I’ve got a 2 or 3 year old George and my “baby” is growing up, but sadness over an infant turning into a child is not a reason to have another one. Nor is the inevitable hormone rushes that I’ll feel. And the truth is, yes I’ll be sad. And yes I’ll get over it. Because I’ll have so much else to be happy about.

So 4 weeks from now I fully expect to welcome a big fat baby George into the world, and to simultaneously shut the factory down and simply enjoy my baby, my youngest who will always be my baby no matter how old he is.

And in these 4 weeks, I’ll be happy. And wish that I could go back in time to the woman I was 4 and 5 years ago to say that it really WILL be okay. That the pain isn’t over yet – by far – but that peace is eventual. It won’t look like what you’re expecting, but it will be peace. And you will be happy, even though that is the furthest thing from your experience right now.

That the end will surprise you, but it will be an end. And you’ll be happy with it and adjust to it just in time for everything to change again.

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